You're Always Scared
by Blue-Eyed-Blonde90
Summary: She was trapped. She loved Emily, but she was scared. She was always scared. She loved her so much, yet she did the one thing that could make her disappear forever. Oneshot NaomixEmily. Spoliers for episode two, what happened after the open day.


Hello there. This is my first fic in a couple of years, but I felt compelled to write something after watching Emily's episode. I hope you like this, although the topic is slightly painful. I think Naomi needed to be given a voice.

Please know that I am in no way justifying Naomi's actions. Frankly, I'm appalled. But I thought this would be interesting to write. I still like her character, and I can only hope she gets to explain herself.

Be aware that I'm a Naomily fan, so read on with an open mind.

* * *

"So…I'll see you around?" she asked quietly, although I could hear the hope in her voice. It made my stomach clench.

"Yeah…see you".

The door clicked shut. She was gone.

I thought I'd be relieved when she finally went out that door, but turns out I was anything but. On the contrary, I felt even worse. Because now, without her, all I could hear was the crushing silence around me. The emptiness. The loneliness. It was all weighing down on me. Enveloping me. Destroying me.

I was alone. Completely alone. It's not as if I wasn't used to it. I've been alone all my life. I never had many friends, never got on with my mum, always had an attitude about everything. I always put up a wall, a defence against any other hurt that threatened me. I was safe. But that didn't mean I was happy.

Then she came along. Emily.

I smiled, I couldn't help it. The name is like music to my ears. The softest silk. It rolled off the tongue and came out in one dreamy breath. _Emily._

But the smile quickly changed to a grimace, because I remembered what I had done. What I would do to her. How could I be so stupid? She loves me. I love her.

She broke through my walls. I didn't want her to, but she forced her way in. That's Emily for you. Feisty, determined, doesn't take no for an answer. God knows I tried to drive her away. I _did_ drive her away. It's what I thought I wanted, but I couldn't forget about her. She had gripped me without me even realising. And when I finally did push her away, with my denial and cowardice, it was I who came running. After all the loneliness, I had finally found someone to love me unconditionally. Someone who knew what a selfish, stand-offish prick I could be_ --_ yet told me I was beautiful, warm, extraordinary. Someone who when I told them I loved them, they said it back.

I'd never had that opportunity before. It felt like such a privilege, to have someone love me back. And yet here I was, sitting on my couch in my dark living room, wallowing in the despair that was now slowly engulfing me. I had done the unforgivable.

I'd cheated on Emily.

She loved me with her whole heart. With her mind, body and soul. With her words, her kisses, her embraces. And I had once again done something to drive her away.

But how did it happen? The last few hours have been kind of a blur -- either that or my guilty, sickened mind is trying to blot them out. It all started yesterday afternoon I suppose…

* * *

"Fuck sake"

I took a drag from my cigarette and blew out, hard. This was a load of bollocks. If I had known how shit this open day was going to be, I wouldn't have bothered coming. Or more specifically, made the effort of coming. Oh well, as long as Emily didn't find out I could just forget about the whole thing.

I stubbed my fag out on the wall behind me and picked up my bag. As I made my way back into the admin office entrance however, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around. A girl was there. I didn't recognise her. She had long brown hair, brown eyes, freckles. She was wearing a check shirt with a white top underneath and denim shorts. She was pretty, I guess. She seemed kind of awkward right now though, but also determined about something. Her manner reminded me of Emily; unsure, slightly self-doubting, yet with a hidden resolution. I smiled at the thought.

"Hi, sorry to bother you," she started shakily "but I think you go to my college. Roundview?"

"Oh yeah, I do. What's your name?" I asked kindly. I definitely don't recognise the girl, but it would be nice to talk to someone right now. An acquaintance would do for the moment, because there was no way Emily was an option. She'd only start asking questions, and she had the uncanny ability to catch me when I'm lying. I pushed the thought out of my mind.

"Sophia. And you're Naomi right? I've seen you around college" she said, glad that I seemed to be reciprocating her. "How are you finding the open day?"

I roll my eyes. "A load of shit. The people here are pricks. All the main figures are up their own arses -- was in a talk with the one of the society presidents earlier and you'd swear he thinks that people would pay to clean up his shit after him." She giggles, and I smile a bit too. Maybe this day wasn't the worst, now that I had someone normal to talk to.

"Yeah, it's a bit stupid. Everyone's really rude. No one here I know either, so it's not as if I've anyone to enjoy this miserable sodding place with." She sighs. "I suppose I'll head home."

"And leave me here with these wankers? No chance, I'm not letting you off that easy. You introduced yourself, so now you're stuck with me." I thought she would be a bit miffed with the way I said it --most people would be-- but amazingly enough she seemed pleased by the idea. A flicker of delight had flashed across her face, although she covered it swiftly with a cough.

"Alright then. What do you wanna do? I know there's a meeting in the arts block in 15 minutes. Perhaps, now with you here, it would be slightly more bearable".

"Nah, I'm sick of this college stuff. Let's go somewhere else."

She nodded happily and we quickly made our way across campus, chatting easily along the way.

****

A couple of hours later and I was still really enjoying myself. She really was a very nice girl. Sweet and funny, but quite shy. We had spent our time after leaving the college in the local pub talking about all sorts. Fun things. Music, hobbies, what we did from day to day. Her face lit up at the mention of anything to do with art. She said it was just a hobby, but I knew better. She didn't realise that whenever she talked about it, there was a certain warmth to her voice. Like it was the only thing that mattered. The tone was familiar -- it reminded me of Emily's voice whenever she was talking to me

Then she told me about her family. She lived with her mum and her older brother --Matt I think he was called-- and she was a cadet in the military. She didn't seem as pleased to talk about those things.

And then she had asked me about my life. Under any normal circumstances I would have made some blasé excuse not to talk about myself. I hated revealing too much. But something about Sophia seemed trustworthy. It was as if she knew exactly what I felt, how I felt -- because she dealt with similar things herself everyday.

So as we dived into our third round of drinks, things started pouring out of me. How I loved politics, hated injustice, which music I was into, what my interests were. By the time we made our way onto the train to take us back to Bristol, I had delved deeper.

We both didn't have dads. She knew hers, but he died. Probably in the line of duty, from what I gathered, but she didn't dwell on it too much. I understood, because I didn't like to dwell on the fact that my dad was --in my mum's words-- a "shitty little prick" either.

"I had to tell a lie to come here" I heard myself say, as though I couldn't stop it. We were sat on the train, about halfway home, and there had been a pause in the conversation. I don't know why I said _that _of all things. The drink perhaps? I guess it had been bothering me more than I first thought. I looked at her apprehensively.

Luckily, she smiled gently. "So did I". She looked down then and her eyes widened, before she looked away suddenly. I looked down myself and noticed that our hands were close. Only inches from touching.

I swallowed. I could've moved mine away, just placed it nonchalantly on my lap, saved her the embarrassment. But I didn't. My mind was whirling. I couldn't take my eyes off both hands. One move would either do nothing at all, or change the situation completely.

I could just get off this train in Bristol, say I had a lovely time and leave it at that. Maybe I would even see her around college. Maybe we could even become friends. She _was_ very nice, after all. But my eyes were fixated on her hand, how easy it would be to grab it. And then mine, which was frozen to the seat below.

In the back of my mind there was an internal struggle going on. Emily was flashing in front of my eyes; Emily smiling, Emily laughing, Emily kissing me with the sweetest of lips…

The sudden flurry of images made my hand inadvertently flinch, and it moved over hers. Her head snapped back towards mine, as if she had just been scalded. But she didn't pull her hand away. Instead, she intertwined our fingers together. Fluidly. Easily. Lovingly. It meant more to her than it did to me, that was clear. But at that moment in time I needed someone. I needed an outsider's ears. Someone new and fresh, who couldn't judge me on what they already knew. Emily was none of those things -- she knew too much.

And as we got off the train, my hand still twined with hers, all rationality gone, I felt myself pulling her with me. Back to my house.

I couldn't say which I was following -- the whole head or heart situation, because in these circumstances both were belligerently disagreeing with my actions. My heart was pumping furiously, but not with lust or love. My head was pounding, overwhelmed, but not in a good way. Both wanted me to drop this poor girl's hand, save her the agony of being used like this. I wasn't invested in her. Not like with Emily. My heart didn't beat for Sophia like it did for Emily. And with this new, unfamiliar hand enveloped in mine, my heartbeat was irregular, as if crying out in protest.

"Cool house" she said, and I snapped out of my reverie. For a moment I had forgotten that we had made it inside. Now that we were here, and she was standing awkwardly behind me in the middle of my living room, I realised the extremity of the situation. This girl wanted something. She wanted more than a friendly face, a good listener. Judging from what she had told me up to now, it sounded like she wanted love. She wanted to be loved. Loved the way Emily loved me. You'd think me knowing that would hinder things? Well, as you know, I'm a bizarre individual.

"Tea?" I say casually, and she nods shyly. I walk into the kitchen and turn on the kettle, trying to regain my thoughts.

_Just stop it now. Tell her this has been a huge misunderstanding. Nothing has to come of this. You have a girlfriend. You love your girlfriend, and you're sorry you led her on. Save yourself._

But as I walk back into the living room, teacups in hand and Sophia sitting on the couch and looking at me anxiously, words fail me. I feel a mind block rise in my head as I try to block out all the voices that are begging me to ask her to leave. I hand her the cup and sit down next to her. She nods her thanks, and all goes quiet.

The fun and energy from earlier has gone. We both know it. "I feel trapped". Again I hear myself say, as if from above the scenario. I can't blame the alcohol now -- I'm pretty sober. Too sober. I take a gulp of my tea, burning my throat in the process. She gives me a small smile as I splutter from the hot liquid.

"I know what you mean" she says softly, her eyes noticeably darker. She makes an infinitesimal movement and moves her arm closer to me, so quick that normally I wouldn't have noticed. But my senses, pumped by adrenaline, are acute right now, so I see it with an eagle's eye.

_Stop this._

I breathe out a long sigh and place my cup down. She does the same. My blood is pounding in my ears.

_Get up and walk away._

I reach out and touch her arm. She flinches, but doesn't pull away. "Nobody understands me" I say, as my fingers trace up and down her forearm. Goosebumps rise where my fingers have trailed. "Every time I try to find some happiness, it feels as if I don't deserve it. It's like there's this constant demon nagging at me. Even when I'm happy…it's just _there. _I can't get rid of it. It wants me to fail, to suffer. To be alone and scared. And nobody knows or understands. They haven't lived like I've lived. My life's been full of disappointment. I'm by myself. I'm so l--" I stop, and try to reassess what I'm doing.

_Don't._

"I'm so lonely".

Silence fills the room, and I look at everything but her. What do I do? Why did I say that?

"I understand you, Naomi". My name being uttered by her lips sounds foreign. She says it so deeply, so tenderly, that for a second I almost let out a gasp. I purse my lips.

_Please don't._

Again, I'm lifted away from the scenario. My mind thoroughly disconnects from my body as I become aware of what I'm about to do. It's as if my mind refuses to share space with such a repulsive entity.

It feels as if somebody else is leaning towards her. Somebody else has placed her hand on Sophia's face, cupping her cheek. Somebody else has uttered the words "you're very beautiful" to the expectant and overjoyed girl in front of her, who would be crushed to know that her heart wasn't behind those words. Somebody else as she finally leans in and kisses her. Softly. Guiltily.

But I'm snapped back to reality as Sophia responds. She places one hand on my neck, the other on my waist, pulling me in deeper. Deeper than I will ever know. Her lips move languidly against mine, tasting me and savouring me. I try to stay grounded, stay in this fucked up situation, but my head is screaming at me.

_What the fuck is wrong with you?_

She pushes me back onto the couch, her lips never leaving mine. Her hands grow confident, and I'm reminded horribly of Emily -- her confidence shines through whenever we make love. How does Sophia not feel, _hear _the battle raging inside me? Can she not feel me tightening and cringing uncomfortably at every given moment, as her lips caress mine? I don't want to be here. Yet I can't seem to stop.

_I know you Naomi._

I jerk up suddenly as Emily's voice blazes through my head. Sophia looks down at me nervously, but seems to take the meaning in a different way.

"Want to go upstairs?" she says, almost inaudibly, but with so much sureness in her tone that I'm pretty sure she's never wanted anything more in her life.

I gulp. "I-I-.."

_I know you're lonely._

Sophia's sureness disintegrates with every passing second, and I can almost see her heart breaking through her eyes.

I steel my resolve, just for this moment at least.

_I think you need someone to want you._

"Yes." It's barely above a whisper, but it's a sound nonetheless. That's all she needs. Sophia curls to her feet and reaches out her hand, all hesitation gone, pure lust in her eyes.

_Well, I _do_ want you._

I take her hand and feel myself being pulled to my feet, and then up the stairs. As we come to my room, I look over my bed. It's still unmade, and I daren't let slip that Emily and I had occupied this bed only last night.

She sits down smoothly, looking up at my stock-still form. "It's ok, you know" she whispers, and I stare at her. No, it really isn't. "We should…just go with it, you know. I'm sure things…it will be great…" She was fumbling now, having finally noticed my terrified demeanour. She was trying to bring me back to the moment -- she wanted me here with her. Emotionally and physically. I wasn't sure I could do that.

Suddenly, it was as if my mind was playing an Emily flash-reel. The last feeble attempts at stopping what was about to happen. She was everywhere. On my skin. On my breath. Clutching my heart. But as I took a long look at the brown-haired, shy, sweet girl in front of me, classic Naomi finally took over. The Naomi who never gave a fuck what anyone thought or did. The Naomi who didn't give a shit about consequences. And even though somewhere in my mind I was distinctly aware that I wasn't _that _Naomi anymore --that Emily, _love_ had changed me-- I couldn't stop. _I build walls, and don't let anyone in. That's what I do. _

I took the final steps towards Sophia and closed the gap, pushing her firmly onto the bed.

_So be brave, and want me back._

_

* * *

_

So here I am now, sitting in the misery of the mess I'd created. I'm guessing that you can probably fill in the blanks in regards to what happened.

It was nice. Different. I'd managed to shut off my thoughts eventually, and when I did I was able to concentrate on Sophia. It was apparent that she had never done something like that before. I wouldn't have been surprised if I had been her first, which added to the pile of guilt already crushing me. Even though she was inexperienced, I knew she had enjoyed it. Cherished it. When I caught her glimpsing and looking at me throughout, it had been with such intensity that it made my insides burn. Not with love, but with revulsion. Revulsion at myself. I had seen that look before. I know it. Emily frequently stared at me with those eyes when we made love; so powerful -- and I was pretty sure I often did the same.

I didn't return such a look. I couldn't. I'm pretty sure my eyes were squeezed shut throughout actually, except when I knew I wouldn't catch her eye.

I breathed out a sigh I didn't know I was holding.

_I feel trapped. _I don't even know why I said that. _Did_ I feel trapped? I sat there, contemplating for a while.

Yes, I was trapped. Trapped by love. Emily had trapped me, so much so that I could never get out. And I was scared. So fucking scared. I'd never felt that kind of pressure before. I'd never had anyone to expect so much of me -- to be a girlfriend, a friend, a lover, an _everything_ to them. I wasn't sure if I could meet her expectations. As I had told Sophia, there was a demon that wanted me to fail. To mess up and drive Emily away. It wanted me to be in this constant loneliness, where nobody could be let in. I tried to fight this demon, and since being with Emily, it had slowly started to fade. It got softer and quieter. Anytime I was with her, I swear, it was almost as if it never existed. Because Emily was there to reassure me that I _was_ something. That I deserved happiness. That I deserved her.

I scoffed. Well, not anymore. I didn't deserve Emily. I definitely didn't deserve to wallow in self-pity either. I created this shit, so now I had to deal with it. Maybe I should just ring Emily now. Tell her things couldn't work out, save her the trouble of finding out. I almost laughed. If I knew Emily, she wouldn't take that lying down. She would force me to give an explanation -- and then the truth of my actions would come pouring out, and I'd have to watch as she crumpled before me. I'd have to watch as I destroyed her.

The tears fell before I could stop them.

But I love her. And, fuck it, I'm selfish. I still want her. A small part of me --a very small part-- felt that I warranted happiness. I couldn't stand the prospect of losing her. Watching her as she moved on with her life. Without me.

An excruciating pain gripped my chest as I pondered the thought. I couldn't lose her. I was in too deep now, so much so that the thought of being without her physically hurt me. I could just bury this guilt, let it consume me. I know I deserved that much -- to suffer with myself. But if it meant I could still kiss Emily, hold her, caress her soft skin, then I'd take it. I'd made my choice. She never had to know. She couldn't know.

The doorbell rang and I was promptly disrupted from my internal battle. I wearily stood up, my head rushing at the movement. All this thinking and guilt had exhausted me.

I stepped into the hallway and made my way to the front door, but my heart jolted as I saw a piece of folded card stuck it. It had 'Naomi' written on it. I hastily grabbed it and pocketed it, opening the door. I knew who it would be before it opened the whole way. Life was fucked up like that -- whenever you don't want something to happen, it does.

Emily stood there, beaming at me. Beaming because she was in my presence. I don't know why -- if I was her, I would be sharpening a pitchfork.

"Hey you" she said huskily, her voice honeyed. My heart stalled and my stomach erupted in butterflies.

"Hey" was all I managed to breathe out. I tried to keep the panic I was feeling out of my expression. I definitely felt trapped right now.

"I missed you" she said, taking a step towards me. She tilted up and my lips met hers. They erupted in tingles at the sensation. Nothing had changed in that respect. She parted from me after a few seconds and took a step back, a dreamy look in her eyes.

I couldn't help it; I smiled at her. "I missed you too, Em" I said softly, and I was sure that I had never been more sincere in my whole life.

She took a step past me into the house. I giggled. She always tended to invite herself in, not that I minded.

"How was your Nan?" she asked as I joined her in the living room. I cringed internally as she took seat on the couch, on the exact same spot where Sophia and I had been kissing last night.

"Hmm?" I asked, puzzled by her question.

She raised an eyebrow. "Your Nan? You said she was sick and that you went to visit her, remember?" she asked incredulously.

The wires reconnected in my brain as she recalled my lie. "Oh yeah, sorry, just a bit tired" I said truthfully. "She was ok. A bit exhausted, but they…um…have her set up pretty good up there" I said hastily.

"What did you say was wrong with her again?" Emily asked, leafing through a magazine she'd picked up from my coffee table.

Good question. I tried to rewind events in my mind to when I had last talked to Emily over the phone. I just about remembered it. This moment was crucial. If I let anything slip that sounded suspicious, I might as well break up with her now. Em was incredibly perceptive.

"Pneumonia" I said surely. I watched her reaction.

She frowned, and I twitched. "Oh yeah, nasty that is. My cousin Alan had it. Luckily it wasn't too progressive, but he had to stay home for 3 weeks."

I sighed with relief. Perhaps I could just get through this. Perhaps I could forget everything that had transpired here last night. If I could just keep my cool…

She flopped the magazine back onto the table, apparently bored with it. She then leapt to her feet and walked lithely over to me. I gulped. I recognised the look in her eyes.

"Listen, not to sound uncaring and all," she started slowly "but the entire day without you yesterday was slightly unbearable. And as much as I'm concerned about your relatives ordinarily, do you think we can just push that aside for a minute?" She looked at me expectantly, her eyes dark. "Because I missed you. I _really_ missed you". She leaned up and captured my lips with hers again, only this time, all niceties had disappeared.

It was sweet sweet agony. Agony as she cupped my face with her small hands and deepened the kiss, agony as her tongue poked its way into my mouth, agony as our tongues met in a flurry of heightening passion. I really missed her too, I realised. She was so familiar. So warm. So trustworthy. Not like me.

She quickly moved from my lips to my neck, nibbling and sucking her way down it. A moan escaped form my throat, my eyes rolling back into my head. "Fuck Ems," I breathed "it's only been a day and you missed me _this_ much?" I said, instantly regretting it. She didn't know what I did in that day without her. But my attention was snapped back to her as she stopped kissing my neck and looked me seriously in the eyes.

"Yes. Is that okay? I love you, and every moment I spend without you feels like a moment wasted. That may sound needy, but frankly I don't give a fuck. If it gets you upstairs and writhing against me, then I'll say whatever the fuck you want". I flushed pink. Why today, of all days, did she decide to become so ballsy and…_sexy _with her words? I was aching at the thought.

"Well, I suppose we shouldn't deprive you any longer. Who knows what I might ask you to say?" I said, a smile to my voice. She grinned, as if I had just granted her deepest wish. "I'll meet you upstairs in a minute okay? I just have to freshen up".

She frowned. "Why? You're just going to get all sweaty in a minute anyway" she said, wiggling her eyebrows.

I giggled. "I feel unkempt right now, and I don't want to go to bed with you like that, okay? Just two minutes alright?" Her eyes flickered over my face with confusion, but she let go of me nonetheless. She slunk over to the door, making sure to cast me a longing glance on her way out.

"Don't be long" she said softly.

I smiled as I watched her form retreat up the stairs. I was pretty sure I would find her naked when I eventually did go up, a thought which made my centre throb. But I needed a moment to compose myself.

I stepped out into the hallway and went to the downstairs bathroom. I looked in the mirror first thing. My hair was ruffled and my eyes looked slightly shell-shocked. How Emily didn't suspect anything was up baffled me. Maybe she was too horny to notice. I chuckled.

I splashed some water over my face, the cool liquid feeling pleasant against my skin. I looked down and noticed something poking out of my pocket. I took it out. It was the piece of card from earlier. I gulped, hard. My name was written in small handwriting on the front. I unfolded it and looked inside. There was a picture in the corner of two girls holding hands. Sophia and I. As I read the words, a tear slipped down my cheek.

_ * Our blood is cold and we're alone. But I'm alone with you -- S *_

I read it over and over again, until it lost all meaning.

_We're alone. _

I stood there shaking, trying to suppress the sobs that threatened to overwhelm me. I had to be strong. My girlfriend was upstairs, expecting me to make love to her, to give it all to her, and I couldn't stop myself from feeling utter anguish. I'm a horrible person.

"Naomi!"

I heard the muffled cry from upstairs. I stepped out of the bathroom, making sure my eyes were dry and my voice was steady before calling back.

"Yes Em?" I said, my voice close to breaking on her nickname.

"That is way longer than two minutes! Get up here now or I'm doing this without you!"

My face contorted into a grin. No more crying. The girl I loved was waiting for me upstairs. Forget about Sophia. She was a different life.

"Coming my love". I walked up the stairs into my room and shut the door behind me.

* * *

Voilá. What did you think? Please review, seeing as this is my first fic in a while. Even if it's just to scold Naomi and Sophia, just leave a review! It would make my day!

PS. Sophia's note was a lyric. It was from the song "No Sound But the Wind" by the Editors. Great song by the way.


End file.
